The 'Fun' in Dysfunctional
by riceyriceyricey
Summary: Just a normal day in the home of the Kazakage...until SOMEBODY gets a naughty bit of poetry from SOMEBODY and let's just say, a certain two brothers don't like it. IMPLIED ShikaTema, Temari's POV, M for swearsies, NO LEMON OR LIME! Obsessive f-bomb drop.


"Teeeeeemmmmmaaaaaaa," my younger borther whined.

"What?" I demanded, looking up from my laptop.

"I'm hungryyyyyyy."

Pitiful, just pathetic.

"Then I suggest you go out to the _market_- you know, the place where they sell_ food_."

"But_, Temaaaarrrrriiiii_," Kankaro complained again, "I'm hungry _nooooooowwwww_."

I grinned,

"Then eat Gaara."

My youngest sibling pulled out one of his earbuds,

"What the fuck did you just say?"

"You heard me."

Gaara narrowed his eyes,

"Kankaro, it you even dare put your mouth _anywhere_ on my body, I'll kick your fucking ass."

I laughed, looking back down at the e-mail I'd received.

_Hey,_

_Hey,_

_I miss ya, babe,_

_So I put this useless brain of mine to good,_

_And I wrote ya a poem._

_I wanna touch ya,_

_I wanna feel ya,_

_Do you get the picture?_

_So, my place or yours?_

_Somewhere quiet and dark,_

_Where no one can heat you scream…_

_And you're gonna scream,_

_Squealin' like a fucking pig. _

_You want me yet,_

'_Cause I suck at descriptions,_

_About all of the bad things I'm gonna do to you tonight._

_My place, 7 O' clock._

_~S_

My breaths quickened, and I felt dizzy, my face flushed.

"Whassat?" Kankaro asked.

Before I could exit the page, he'd read the poem, and looked mortified.

"Who the fuck sent you this?!" He demanded.

Gaara pulled his earbuds out of his ears again,

"Shut _u~up _," he sang, threatening his older brother, "I can't hear my song."

"Someone's sending horny poetry to our sister!"

Gaara's eyes grew wide, and he ran to the computer,

"WHAT'S HIS FUCKING NAME?! WHERE DOES THIS GUY LIVE?! HE'S A DEAD FUCKING MAN!"

My hands scrambled to cover up the name on the screen.

"I'm sorry, Temari," Gaara growled, his hand locking anound my wrists and yanking them away, "it's for your own good."

Gaara's face contorted in anger, and Kankaro looked shocked to the point of exploding as they both read the name aloud,

"SHIKAMARU NARA?!"

I grinned sheeplishly,

"N…now boys," I began, "I'm allowed to have a personal life…"

"Tell him that you decline," Kankaro oederd.

"No."

Gaara hit the reply button and read what he was typing aloud,

"_By the order of her brothers, Suna No Temari kindly expresses her apoligies, and is unable to join you in your bedroom this evening._"

Kankaro seized the kyboared, and added,

"_Her borther Kankaro would like to add that if you do not remain at least ten feet away from Temari, he will rip your balls off, cook them, and then serve them to your mother on a silver platter._"

Gaara fought his brother for dominance over the keys,

"_And Gaara will find it extremely pleasurable to chain you to a wall and kick your manhood until it blackens and falls off, and you cry and scream like a little schoolgirl. He also would like to warn you, that now that he and Kankaro know your name, it'll be extremely easy to look you up in the yellow pages and murder you at this very moment. Close your windows. It's too late. They're coming. They're here. Pray to Kami and cry for your mama little boy, for the end is near._"

I cringed in horror as Kankaro clicked '_send_', a huge, demonic grin spreading on his face.

I reached for my fan, beating the two senseless,

"YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ARE SO FUCKING DEAD! YOU HEAR ME?!"

I ignored their screeches of pain, but then froze, one thought taking over my mind…Shikamaru…I bet he's crying.

…

"Don't come in, you demons!" came a muffled, strained voice form behind the door, "I have garlic, ye nasty vampires!"

"Calm it down, crybaby," I shouted, "It's me."

"Are they with you?"

"No."

"You're lying," he sobbed, "I just know it! Get those fucking monsters away from me!"

I groaned,

"Oh, sweet god, Nara, it's me, Temari, your girlfriend, _alone_."

He opened the door slightly, his bleary eyes peeking out,

"How do I know you're the _real _ Temari?"

"What other Temari's do you know?" I asked quizzically.

Even in a terrofyed state, he managed to give me a witty retort,

"Only the ones that give me what I want."

"That would be me."

He rolled his eye,

"How do I know Gaara didn't use some messed up jutsu to transform into my girlfriend?"

I reached out my hand to touch his face,

"Would the Gaara ask you to let him in so that he could make out with you?"

He opened the door, but didn't invite me into his apartment.

"Are you _still_ skeptical about whether it's the real me or not?" I demanded, rolling my eyes.

"I have one more test, alright?"

"Fine," I muttered.

My lover fell to his knee.

"Nara, what the fuck are you"-

He pulled a velvet box out of his pocket, and opened it.

"Your reaction will tell me whether the real one."

I gazed at the ring, my eyes glazed with un-cried tears,

"Hoy shit, Nara. You've really outdone yourself this time. That's the biggest fucking rock I've ever seen."

He smiled. It wasn't a lazy smirk, it was a real, _genuine _smile that I'd never seen before.

"You're real!" he exclaimed, sliding the ring onto my finger.

"Of course I am," I replied, wrapping my arms around his neck and touching his nose with my finger. "So…what were you saying about making me squeal like a pig in your email today?"

The lazy smirk returned, and he closed the door, leaving us alone together,

"I don't know, you wanna find out?"

And so, hand in hand with my fiancé, we walked into his bedroom.

Unbeknownst to me at the time, as the events ensued, two sets of eyes were watching us through the window.

"She's squealing like a pig, all right."

"Kankaro, hold me back from murdering this bastard."

_(A/N: You like? It's my first 'M', and it was written out of angst and the need to say fuck a million times. Trust me, if I owned Naruto, ShikaTema would've gotton together by now. I actually came up with an 'ideal ending'._

_So, in full hokage garb, Naruto walks down the street, and someone brushes his shoulder._

_It's Shikamaru, walking with Temari with a small child in his arms. (I mean, come on, this is RICEY we're talking about here) _

_The three adults share a friendly moment of silence, before Naruto moves om._

_He then passes a small family, also of three._

_Neji and Tenten stand on either side of a little girl, holding each of her hands._

_The pair look down at their child lovingly._

_Naruto finally reaches his house, and a pale eyed boy runs into his arms, followed by a teenaged girl._

_Finally, his pale eyed, raven haired wife emerges, wrapping his arms around his neck and leaving him a small kiss._

_If I were in control, that would happen. Who agrees? R&R,_

_I luves yall,_

_Ricey)_


End file.
